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I struggle with this. With a daughter + girly-ness. I struggle with wanting her to feel empowered and not be victim to the trashy marketing of “you’re just a girl” and “pink is the only color” and “math & science are hard for girls.” She’s a few months shy of four, but these thoughts really pound on me as she continues to grow into her own (carefully shaped by me to the extent I can) interests. Despite coming from a family with four girls and then one boy, we weren’t girly girls. I didn’t shave my legs til I was 20, around the same time I got my ears pierced. I never learned to apply makeup or shop for my body type. I still struggle with “doing” my hair. And I’m the fourth girl! My older sisters weren’t complete tomboys but were more interested in academics & athletics than shaping their eyebrows. So when I look at my little girl, I think oh gosh, I need to teach her how to be feminine and powerful in her femininity. I need to teach her how to dress for her shape, perform basic female upkeep, and all the while battle away the influence of early sexualization and imposed roles on her. It’s on my heart a lot. I think I have a lot to figure out as she ages. But one thing I can/do deal with right now is gifts. Christmas & birthdays–we love gifts in my family! Here’s my list of gifts for…
Read MoreNot that kind of retreat–as in, pulling back from combat or your small army of children, but actually, yes, kinda like that. I’m going on my very first religious retreat in March. March 12. Phoenix. Blessed is She! But Nell, you’ve been a Catholic for 32 years. You mean you’ve never done a retreat? Nope. Not that I can remember. I’ve gone to mornings of reflection for Lent sponsored by our Archdiocese and heard wonderful speakers, but a full day retreat? Nope. I’ve never traveled to another place to specifically go deeper and sit in silence to listen to God. And to listen to speakers like Heather. And to finally meet friends like Jenna. And to meet other Blessed is She women. My work for Blessed is She in the past year and a half has been the first time as a cradle Catholic I’ve done something in ministry with Scripture. Maybe the ease of being culturally Catholic my whole life made me feel less urgent about actually being active in my faith community. Something along the lines of oh that kind of thing is great but I don’t really need it because I’ve always been Catholic. What a falsehood. My notion that I could rest on my laurels, as it were, to just skate through my adult life without actually making the decision to engage. Blessed is She has forced me (in the best of senses) to read Scripture daily. To contemplate where I am on my journey and where…
Read MoreI find myself still fighting poorly with my husband. We’ve come a long way in how we convey disagreements since our engagement (when we had our first real super duper fight?). And neither of us are the argumentative sort. Well, I’M not. And we know him to be easy going and generally laid back. So maybe one of us might be more stubborn and opinionated but I wouldn’t know that for a fact. Late into the hours the other night, my (sick? not really. teething? not really. growth spurt? maybe, sure. insomnia? could be. sleeping with his eyes open? definitely) littlest babe was up. In a weird way. Like, when I sat by his crib and held his hand periodically he would murmur off into a sleep that meant his eyes were taped open but his breathing and twitching indicated he was in REM. And when I tried to sneak out multiple times, he knew, oh! he knew. All this to say, I had a few hours sitting in a chair to braid segments of my hair, and think about this. How to fight better when you have small kids. Why is fighting different when you have small kids? Because you’re worn out to begin with, so your starting base isn’t a rest-filled, restored, peaceful, tranquil, my house-is-as-i-clean-up-last-night sort of life. You live in the rings of a tornado. So your fights can’t even come from a solid foundation. You’re like swinging into the wild winds hoping your spouse hears you because…
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I learned a really important lesson for me last year. Without deliberating meaning to, my word must have been No. I experienced saying “no” and how wonderful that was for me. Saying no, feeling guilty about it, sounding selfish, but sitting happily situated knowing that it was a good kind of selfish. No: meaning, do less, be more. Meaning, say no to the world more, say yes to what’s going to work for our little family more. The inescapable pressures on a mom of young children to perform every conceivable duty well grates on me. Advance in your career! Have the perfect birth & nursing! Be on your kid’s preschool committee for healthy treats! Stay//become thin and sexy for your spouse! Don’t complain about being tired! Don’t gloat about having kids! Rinse, repeat. Perhaps for me the turning point was sending our oldest to a few hours a week nature school. Not much time away from home, but it still felt like a big shift from our laissez-faire, surviving three kids in under four years kind of life. Suddenly I got the two little kids on the same nap schedule, and I started homeschooling a little more in earnest with our oldest. I tuned into how our son was playing with his little frenemies at school, how he was coping with adjusting to listening to other adults, how our middle child needed special girl time, how our monster tot was, indeed, exceptionally physical, and that he needed extra attention just unto himself…
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1) wear actual pajamas to bed that I change into at bedtime and out of in the morning. 2) brush my hair everyday. 3) five minutes of quiet prayer. okay, maybe more like four is realistic, but quiet prayer. intentional quiet prayer. 4) no more buying hot cocoas at coffee shops. 5) when one of my kids ask me to read to them, or help with legos, or play dolls, do it right then. 6) stop complain-texting my husband. 7) get a dog. think about how much work a puppy is. think about it again. sit uncertain about a dog. 8) put *it* away right away. whatever it is. procrastination means it will sit there for days. 9) make our bed every morning. launder our sheets every week. 10) clean the bathrooms once a week. DID YOU HEAR THAT, UNIVERSE?! 11) say I’m sorry without following up with why I’m really right and totally justified. 12) tell my husband I love him fiercely everyday. especially when I’m annoyed with whatever. 13) eat family dinner in the Dining Room once a week. 14) reflect on the characteristics that bug me in other people–insofar as how I do them too. 15) stop picking my kids’ noses. 16) use the cold press juicer I gave AA for Christmas every day for maximum GI tract benefits. How typically New Years’ Resolutions of me! But now you know them. Hold me to them!!
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So I’m not ready for the holiday season to be over. The cousins all together for the first time for Christmas!! My siblings surrounding me at every turn (quite so, when I turned from the counter to the pantry to dump something in the trash, there was always someone right.there.next.to.me). Tuning out the outside world to keep our circus from ending in rampage, stampede, and certain maiming by the 19 month old who still randomly bites. One thing that was really special, among the bazillion, was that I made matching leggings for all seven grandkids (ages 5 and under), we procured cream cable knit irish sweaters for all of them, and my sister Molly made felt crowns for everyone for a Christmas pic for my parent’s annual letter update on their lives for their friends and family. Molly’s gone home with her crew, Peter will go home in a few days as well, and then all will be dull and sad until our next family reunion. I’m feasting my eyes on these outtakes from our photo sesh in the meanwhile. Not touched up. Raw grit here, people. I hope your holidays were merry and bright and if you’re still celebrating the 12 days of Christmas, rock on with that, too! A foot . . . Aron? Peter? Someone? Ladies, don’t hold back. Tell us how you really feel about being royalty. If only the other two boy cuzes were in this one!! And my monster tot. How’s that candy cane,…
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