Whole Parenting Family

9 Ways to Make Your Wife Feel Like a Queen

better marriage whole parenting

The past six months has been one of the harder seasons on our marriage, that season being the Marathon. To be clear, I wanted him to run it, I wanted him to train for it, and I wanted so much for him to not get injured and be able to complete it. That being said, despite his most valiant efforts, it was rough on me, on us.

The silver lining is that post-marathon has been a deluge of quality time, very deliberate time spent together that’s neither cooking nor cleaning up in the post-bedtime evenings, and our very own weekend away.


We haven’t been collectively away from them (and I’ve only had two instances away from the baby, ever, at 17 months) ever. We hadn’t been to our family’s country home (the Lodge) without a child or three in over two years.

My generous parents and sister covered the babysitting, the middle of the night awakenings, the church festival, the swim lesson, the mass attendance, the crying fits, the tantrums, and the food thrown on the floor.

All while we basked in the complete stillness of the country. And slept almost the whole entire time. But when we weren’t sleeping, we got to talk. Deep talk. The kinds of conversations you simply can’t have over a fatigued evening, a hurried bedtime, a messy house. And I realized these past two post-marathon weeks I’ve felt like a queen in my husband’s eyes because he’s been so attentive.

So, fellas, here’s how to accomplish that in nine, free-of-charge, ways that touch on each of the five love languages (you haven’t read it?? get it now.)

1) Kiss her in the morning and evening.

Yes, if she’s human and it’s morning, she has bad morning breath and if it’s evening, she probably (if she ever did) brushed her teeth a long time ago. I didn’t say french kiss her, a simple soft kiss will do.

2) Massage her feet.

Are they stinky? Are the heels saturated in the dirt from the fall she’s collected because she never wears socks nor gets pedicures or scrubs hard enough in the tub (me!). Not important.

Grab some olive oil, lotion, vegetable oil, anything except sprayable oil, and give her a little foot love. She’s on her feet all day, either at work or at home, either handling personalities at the office or tantrums over the breakfast table, OR both.

3) Find a compliment that’s genuine and pay it. Often. A new one. Frequently. Rotate them.

She probably feels completely unloveable in her stressed out, perhaps dare I even say, disheveled state? She probably feels like she looks okay to moderately not okay. She may have extra weight from a fast-paced life that means no workout time, or from a child or three. She may not have her hair colored or cut properly or the cute clothes she used to wear when you were dating (they don’t fit, okay?). High heels? What is this? Don’t get crazy on her.

You love her smile. You love her soft skin. You love the way she looks at the kids before she shouts, “BATH TIME.” You love her patience. Something. Make it specific.

4) Ask what one habit you can change for her.

Anything. Be prepared for her to let out about five or so. Figure out which one is most aggravating to her. Just do it. Don’t defend or justify. Put it in the forefront of your mind. I really really want a family cleaning morning Saturdays so the house stays in better shape. He’s up for it.

She’ll be so gratified by your request, that she may ask what your one request is for her. Mine from AA? Brush my hair daily. I’m embarrassed to say I’ve let the “flowing beach locks” look go a little far into dreadlocks. On more than one occasion.

5) Arrange for a ladies’ evening or getaway for her.

Or simply encourage her to do so herself. Take a night off! Don’t worry, the kids will be fine (even if you’re trembling and it’s kinda a lie)! Go overnight to someone’s cabin! I can and will hold down the fort for you. Go and talk and talk and talk and then come back with your talking-love-tank all filled up.

I recently had a weekend like this with my close mama friends. It’s our second year in a row doing it–these gourmet cooks spoil me and I provide the digs. It felt like a spiritual retreat with some really great, holy, and sassy women. We talked God, our husbands, our kids, our dance party music selection, face masks, chocolate, vino, and so many other things I can’t tell you 😉

Guys, you’re really doing yourself a favor. I came home so freshened, happy, doubling down on my efforts on our relationship, our household, our kids. I was so grateful to him for managing everything in my absence. Think of the karma points you’ll add up.

6) See something, do something.

Load of laundry? Dirty dishes? Dry cleaning needs to be picked up? Take on one of her usual tasks, without asking, just to surprise her. Don’t hot water wash her wool sweaters, but lighten her housework load one tiny bit.

The other day, AA cleaned the kitchen. I mean, he deep cleaned the kitchen. Our kitchen is in a constant state of semi-disarray. Even if the dishes are done and the floor swept, there are always various odds & ends needing to be sorted, put away, organized. We kinda live in it.

I was so happily surprised! He didn’t remind me of how unkempt it had been; he just did it. With a smile. We have household chores divvied up and kitchen falls on my list and everything to do with our vast yards & garage & car & insurance falls on his. So there you go.

7) Ask how her day was, and hone in on one thing that bothered her, and follow up on that.

Not to solve it, mind you, or to tell her how to solve it herself. That kind of advice almost never goes over well. She wants to talk and talk (if she’s like me) so she can arrive at her own conclusion through verbal processing. Be her Socratic method. Help her find her answer through gentle questions. Don’t do this if you’re feeling combative that day. Wait til you’re in a good mood.

8) Hold back on that criticism.

Just bite your tongue. If it’s something that needs to be addressed, do so when you’re not tired and she’s not tired, and no one is defensive, and everyone wants to work on their relationship. You’re thinking this will be never, but I promise if you’re making her feel like a queen, she’s going to be open to hearing it.

She’s probably already feeling like she’s behind on work, behind on housework, behind on doing what she needs to and wants to. So you pointed out her deficiencies is heaping wood on the already-roaring fire.

9) Praise her romance skills.

If you want to make your wife really feel like a queen, praise her skillz. “You’re so gorgeous everywhere, especially your soft places!” “You are the only woman I’d ever want to be with!” “Your kisses are the very bestest.” (okay, be more creative).

Research shows time and time again that for women to be able to relax and truly enjoy intimacy, they need to feel emotionally connected and safe. If she’s worried about stretch marks and unwanted hair, she probably won’t be able to really let down and just be completely present with you in the romance department.

I think I speak for all moms of young child(ren) that being touched-out is a real thing. It’s not that she doesn’t want to be intimate, it’s just that the thought of one more person in her personal space makes her want to scale down the walls of the house and run into the street screaming. Be sensitive to this and find a way to physically connect that doesn’t drain her touched-out body. See: all of the above.

I love writing honestly about our relationship. We’re blessed to have each other, blessed to both be wanting for the best for the other, and I’m blessed he puts up with me!!


  1. Anna on October 22, 2015 at 6:35 pm

    I can’t thank you enough for writing this. I’m crying reading this because, well, because it’s all SO true. I’m SO glad you’re in that spot now and I hope I get to it soon, too.

    • Natural Mama Nell on October 23, 2015 at 10:41 am

      I’ll be praying for you, sister!!