The Worries that Consume the Mom of a Five Year Old Boy

Did he just eat that?

Did he just say that?

Why is he making that face while he’s apologizing? Does that negate the apology? Should I ask him to do it again?

When he urges his toddler brother to hit his preschooler sister with a carabiner, should I not only confiscate the weapon but ban all other of said weapons as punishment? When his follow-up is that he doesn’t care about them anyway, do I confiscate all paper airplanes, legos, and Jim Weiss cds or is that overkill. Just the cds?

How do I make the impression that I’m serious beyond shouting or frowning? Those don’t seem to be making the desired impact. Try quiet volcanic rage? Try ignoring?

When he says that he already went to the bathroom but he didn’t, and I know he didn’t, and he knows I know he didn’t, do I stand outside the bathroom door to make sure I hear him actually go this time, or is that just really draconian?

When he literally cannot sit still but doesn’t want to join me in a funky kitchen dance party because apparently I’m borderline not cool anymore (??!!??), do I make him run laps up the back stairs, then down the front, or put on his winter gear and explore the backyard? What about when he is so antsy-in-the-pantsy but pretends to be “simply exhausted”? Forced fun never hurt anyone, right?

Will he ever not love the Hardy Boys?

Will he ever choose a career other than professional baseball player? (his answer for the past three, yes, three years)

When he asks question after question about how I chose to stay home and not practice law and I think he’s really understanding the true meaning of the new feminism (women get a choice!), and it turns out he’s really trying to unearth whether or not I can switch places with his dada whom he’d prefer to be the at-home parent, do I take this as a set back for the feminist movement or a triumph for dads-at-home worldwide?

Does the impulse to terrorize his sister and her copious amounts of dollies ever slow down?

How will I shape him into a virtuous brave man? Thank GOD he has such a good example in his father and my father and all his uncles.

*disclaimer: he’s a really sweet, thoughtful, and smart kiddo with loads of empathy and love for those around him, so don’t sue me for being an honest mom about the other side of all kids*

—

Let’s just say I LOVE reading Team Whitaker and Sole Searching Mama because they have older boys and I hit them up with my raising boy questions. Tell me, tell me, tell me the answers to these questions, pu-lease.