planning for sanity when you have a third child on the way

A friend just messaged me about being pregnant with number three. Did I have any tips on preparing oneself? I had to laugh a little because my pregnancy has been so rough in so many ways that getting it through and done is the biggest part of preparing myself for three, four & under!

Then I thought about it a little more. How did we know we were ready for another life, or the possibility of it? How was I crazy enough to embark on throwing up for weeks and weeks on end? And then the capstone: wanting no pain meds for labor??

The answer is that you have to leap, always, when you’re open to more kids. There will be unknowns and unexpecteds. There will be wailing and gnashing of teeth. There will be floods of joy over your porous heart. Porous because they keep stabbing you in it. I also hate being pregnant, but know it’s not a disease and I’ll get over it (as my paternal grandmother used to tell my mom and her five miserable pregnancies).

How I’ve actually prepped myself for three kids? A few of the following, but lots of ice cream, lying in bed when I could be productive, and letting my husband play rough house with the kids right before actual bedtime.

1) Get help. Now.

My family is awesome. They’re really about as close to perfect as you could get. Devoted & doting grandparents, super involved aunties & uncles, and many of them in close proximity. I also know I could call up any of my cousins or aunts in a pinch and they’d do anything to help. We’re just those kind of Irish Catholics. That being said, if your parents are both still working, or otherwise not geographically available, find help.

Be it nursery school, day care, mother’s helper, regular babysitter, neighbor in your building, whomever. If you think you can superwoman through this, you’re being silly. Just don’t try this at home. Alone. You will go nuts, your marriage will suffer, and you will hate and resent your children for sucking the life blood out of you. Unless you’re saintly. Then you just offer it up.

Sometimes I run errands or clean up. Sometimes I lie down and watch something on Net-flex (that’s NuNu’s pronunciation). I truly try to check out when I have a babysitter. Check in to my body, my baby growing, my need to tweeze my eyebrows. Whatever.

2) Daily routine.

I love routine. I’m not that type A, even for a lawyer, but routine helps me make space to breathe, and gives the kiddos predictability for when they have their own private time and when I have mine, if no sitter is around. You know I love quiet time routines for toddlers & preschoolers {as described here}, and naps. Big believer in protest napping. DO NOT DROP YOUR KID’S NAP unless it’s proven over weeks that they are ready to drop it. Even if they appear to not want it for a few days, or even a week, they need it. Sleep is crucial for development. And for mamas eating ice cream out of the bucket. Little kids must nap. {More on sleep here.}

I aspire to be a mom who takes her kids to the park regularly in her stroller and athletic pants. Honestly, when it’s -20 for years here in Minnesota, we just rush in and out of the car to get to Mom’s Group at mass. And that’s about it for outings. But maybe I’ll get a triple stroller a la Grace and be all athletic with my three. Once BabyLoves is big enough to want to get out of the sling/carrier, that is.

3) Let go.

Two paths for this letting go discussion: when you’re pregnant with number three, and when you have number three. I don’t have number three yet so I can’t speak to it. I know I had to let go of a lot of things with two kids–that was a bigger leap for me than 0—>1. So if it’s anything like that, the sinks are going to get dirtier and we should invest in Amy’s Organic Pizza stock.

Letting go when you’re pregnant for me means choosing which activity to do during the day. Don’t plan more than one. You’ll be exhausted and crabby from hauling the kids in & out of the car seats or stroller. You’ll be burnt out from talking and talking and talking, even if it’s with your girlfriends. You’ll hate checkout lines because inevitably yours is the longest at the store when you’re pregnant and have both kids with you.

If the kids have a crap day, or you didn’t sleep, don’t power through. Cancel and regroup. Camp out. Have a few arts & crafts things in the wings that can distract them while you lie on the ground. Don’t run errands with the kids. Don’t plan a big meal. If the meat isn’t defrosted by 4, call it a day. Breakfast for dinner, people!

And most keenly, in letting go of doing everything for everyone, the one person I still try to do for (aside from my lumbering bod) is my husband. Letting our relationship suck because I’m barf-central would just make being in barf-central that much worse. I genuinely think that putting yourself outside your normal complaining comfort zone when you’re struggling and pregnant, and genuinely treating your husband like he’s still that hot guy you fell in love with helps. At least it does for me. And means he’ll get me ice cream late at night!