Parenting When You’re a Lawyer

The downside for my kids of me being a lawyer: (Well, let’s make that plural. Downsides.)

1) I cross-examine thoroughly.

Oh, really? You say you went potty? When did you go? Did you flush? Did you take off your undies? Was the light on in the bathroom? Did you turn it on? Did you turn it off?

Yes.

Yes to which part.

All of it.

Really? You just told me you didn’t go and you didn’t flush.

. . .

2) My mind is finely tuned to root out discrepancies and inconsistencies.

Go AWAY, MAMA!!!

You just asked me to help you.

No! NO! NO!! Come baaaaaaaack. Come baaaaaaack.

You’re being inconsistent.

I’m not being inconsient.

You need to pick a side and stick with it.

I don’t want to be sticky.

. . .

3) I state the rule and its applications.

The rule is you have to share. That means you have to share with your sister, me, your cousin, and your friends.

What about Dada?

He doesn’t count because you like to share with him.

4) I use parallel citations as persuasive authority.

Can’t you say BEEP like Mrs. Anderson so I can have a turn?

No. Your sister isn’t done with her turn.

Mrs. Anderson gives nice turns.

Mrs. Anderson actually told me to give long turns to children who are being nice to their brothers, and short turns to brothers who are mean to their sisters.

Oh.

5) I correct unwanted behavior with forward thinking consequences.

Please don’t touch other people’s mail. It’s a felony.

What’s a felony?

It’s an offense that keeps you in jail a long time and costs you a lot of money.

But you could go to the bank and get cash and then cash me out.

That’s called bail. Maybe. You might have to get a bail bond.

He was a great baseball guy. He’s one of my baseball guys.

That’s Barry Bonds.

Yup. He’s my guy.