Whole Parenting Family

Relationship Intimacy Post-Baby


When I said to my husband the other night, “You should write a blog post on ‘post-baby marital intimacy,'” he responded in a sweet loving daddy voice, “You mean with J?”

No. I didn’t mean with our son!!! I meant with ME. Hence the reason and need for this post and discussion. The irony of his response was perfect. I’m discovering a new trend (not so new) amongst the parents I know where the parents’ relationship falls a little by the wayside as children’s needs are so intense and end up taking front, center, left, and right stage. Really, the whole stage in fact.

Don’t get me wrong, my husband is a fabulous dad and husband. He really is. (Everyone says that, like everyone’s child is brilliant, which mine is too, naturally.) He comes home after 12 hours of being away and spends every minute playing with J, cleaning up the house, helping with dinner, and sharing about his day with me. We do go to be early, often, so that time period may only be a few hours, but it’s a great few.

So, this holiday season, get a sitter. Call your mother. Find a friend who also has this problem of lack of time with their partner. Go out. It can be to look at Christmas lights, get a tea, or have an elaborate steak dinner. Whatever is in your time and financial budget.

And don’t talk about your adorable child the whole time. Reserve part of it for reflection on where you are, how you got there, how work is going, and where you want to be as a family looking down the road. Reminisce about funny things that happened when you were dating, or fun childless trips you have gone on.

Your relationship needs emotional, spiritual, and physical intimacy post baby just like it did pre baby. It can feel like you just have less time, less energy, and fewer resources to devote to each other. Another way to look at it is that your mutual love of your child gives you more love for each other, and therefore regenerates your relationship, giving it new depth and breadth. Who do you love more than your partner when he or she gets up in the middle of the night with your crying teething toddler? No one!

Also keep in mind that the relationship you have with your partner has the most profound impact on your child, no matter how old he is. He sees love, respect, and mutual kindness just as easily as he sees and hears shortness, impatience, and frustration. Which model do you want to provide as the relationship template in his psyche?


  1. mothering spirit on December 19, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    I couldn’t agree more! I think time invested in your marriage pays infinite dividends to your kids. It’s hard to coordinate nights out, budget for the sitter, and leave the babies behind, but we are always glad we did. Have to take care of ourselves so we can take care of them.

    • Novice Natural Mama on December 29, 2011 at 7:33 am

      Absolutely! And have to focus on each other every now and then as children consume 125% of our attention!

  2. shena on December 19, 2011 at 5:10 pm

    Hilarious line from hubby 🙂

    There is no greater gift to your kids than to love your spouse. Whoever heard of adult children complaining about their parents giving each other too much attention?

  3. Donielle Olson on December 20, 2011 at 7:49 am

    This is so right! I am finding it can’t be skipped or put to the back burner! I think most people don’t think about it untill they already have children and haven’t had time with there spouse!

    • Novice Natural Mama on December 29, 2011 at 7:37 am

      I have a great example in you & your husband though! When your MIL told me about regular date night, I remember immediately asking my mom if she’d do the same!! 🙂