Relationship Intimacy Post-Baby

When I said to my husband the other night, “You should write a blog post on ‘post-baby marital intimacy,'” he responded in a sweet loving daddy voice, “You mean with J?”

No. I didn’t mean with our son!!! I meant with ME. Hence the reason and need for this post and discussion. The irony of his response was perfect. I’m discovering a new trend (not so new) amongst the parents I know where the parents’ relationship falls a little by the wayside as children’s needs are so intense and end up taking front, center, left, and right stage. Really, the whole stage in fact.

Don’t get me wrong, my husband is a fabulous dad and husband. He really is. (Everyone says that, like everyone’s child is brilliant, which mine is too, naturally.) He comes home after 12 hours of being away and spends every minute playing with J, cleaning up the house, helping with dinner, and sharing about his day with me. We do go to be early, often, so that time period may only be a few hours, but it’s a great few.

So, this holiday season, get a sitter. Call your mother. Find a friend who also has this problem of lack of time with their partner. Go out. It can be to look at Christmas lights, get a tea, or have an elaborate steak dinner. Whatever is in your time and financial budget.

And don’t talk about your adorable child the whole time. Reserve part of it for reflection on where you are, how you got there, how work is going, and where you want to be as a family looking down the road. Reminisce about funny things that happened when you were dating, or fun childless trips you have gone on.

Your relationship needs emotional, spiritual, and physical intimacy post baby just like it did pre baby. It can feel like you just have less time, less energy, and fewer resources to devote to each other. Another way to look at it is that your mutual love of your child gives you more love for each other, and therefore regenerates your relationship, giving it new depth and breadth. Who do you love more than your partner when he or she gets up in the middle of the night with your crying teething toddler? No one!

Also keep in mind that the relationship you have with your partner has the most profound impact on your child, no matter how old he is. He sees love, respect, and mutual kindness just as easily as he sees and hears shortness, impatience, and frustration. Which model do you want to provide as the relationship template in his psyche?